Flatbacker

Here's MY sign.

2010-11-05T10:03:00.006-04:00

I'm not a bible beating Christian. I'm not even a very good evangelical Christian. Hell, let's face it, sometimes I'm not a GOOD Christian at all. I even shut the door once on an evangelical Christian who thought 8:30 was an appropriate time to ring my doorbell and read me the Bible.

And, despite all the great things the good Lord has given me, I flaunt it back at him by drinking large amounts of alcohol, smoking cancer sticks (NOT treating my body like a temple), cuss like a sailor, forget to love my neighbor (especially the one with the screaming kids), and generally just act in a self-absorbed, narcissistic manner.

But I am a Christian.

And, lately, I've been feeling a little "woe is me" and "my life sucks", even though I'm truly blessed with a great life, a wonderful and loving husband, a deliriously supportive family, and a nice batch of dear friends.

So, I've found it necessary to turn inward and reflect a little on my relationship with God. Much to my distress, I've found it to be a bit on the waning side, whereas I would much prefer the waxing end. I recently watched "Eat, Pray, Love" (which I thought was a disaster, really), but I did manage to pull out a few spiritual gems from HER narcissistic life. Which inspired me to buy a book called "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith" (is that supposed to be underlined? In quotes? Just italics? Whatever) which I am enjoying.

But, being a self-centered being, I also want a sign. You know? A sign from GOD, the ALMIGHTY. Because if I'm going to be doing all this soul searching, shouldn't he take time out of his busy schedule to at least acknowledge what I'm trying to do? (Heavy sarcasm here, for those who do not know me well).

Today, in a beautifully warm sixty-three degreed day with blue skies and sunlight reflecting off the Imperial buildings of Vienna, I went out for a walk and to run some errands, one of them being to buy travel books for Colombia. (Yes, we're going from here to Bogota. I'm not overly excited about the idea, so thought some travel guides might shine a happier light on it than kidnappings and drug lords, guns and taxi hijackings).

As I strolled out of the bookstore, there was an immense crowd below a balcony and a big, fat, gospel-ly singing black lady entertaining the crowd. (Not that this kind of thing happens everyday in Vienna, today was Voice Mania, an International a cappelo Festival, so all through the city singers were drawing crowds to their assigned balcony.) I had heard her singing while in the bookstore, and as I exited I stopped within this mass of people to enjoy the show for a minute.

The next song she belted out (beautifully, I must add) was "This Little Light of Mine" (again, with the usage here??? I know there's different ways for books, movies and songs. Too lazy to look it up). Soon the entire crowd was joining in, singing and clapping and swaying and alternating between English and German.

And, as I started clapping (with a little swaying), I realized "here is my sign". In a random city, on a random pavement, on a random day that just happens to be a cappello day, at a random time of exiting a random bookstore below a random balcony, I get to hear a crowd of people, led by a great singer, sing the most basic of hymns. A hymn that brings me back to being four years old and belting this song out in Sunday School.

It brought tears to my eyes and faith to my heart.

Thank you Lord.

This one goes out ot all the ladies. . .

2010-06-16T17:50:00.000-04:00

Hair. Love it or hate it, we all have it (well, MOST of us). And, eventually, darnnabitall, it needs to be cut. Or trimmed. Or colored. A trip to the salon can be a very rewarding outing. Usually when you know and like your stylist, feel comfortable in the chair with her, and most importantly, can convey your wants, wishes and desires (no matter how far reaching they may be) in ENGLISH.

You know how in the movies the heroine on the lam grabs a pair of kitchen scissors and a bottle of hair-dye and ducks into a public bathroom, only to emerge looking like she just spent $400 in a salon?

I'm about ready to give that a go.

Three months without a haircut lends to desperation in this household. Someone hide the manicure scissors.

I am McDonald's

2010-06-15T10:42:00.005-04:00

It's not a secret, I am not a big fan of McDonald's. Not for health reasons (although I suspect this is a good reason), and I will admit they make a pretty tasty french fry, but in general I just abhor Mickey D's. Now, I'm all about Taco Bell (and even Wendy's), so it's not a fast food thing. It's just a McDonald's thing.

And McDonald's? Is everywhere. Well, everywhere you'd want to be. My definition of a "bad country"? Is one with no McDonald's. If McDonald's doesn't want to be there, I probably do not, either.

And, I'll give McDonald's some credit. No matter where we are in this big ole world, if there's a McDonald's? The food? Is EXACTLY the same. The menu might vary a little, but the taste? Unlike many other international fast food chains, it is dead on. Plus, sometimes they are the only option for a clean and sanitary bathroom, which does come in handy and I thank them profusely for this.

I was discussing McDonald's (and Starbucks and Wal-Mart for that matter) with some Uruguayan guys the other night, and although I've blogged about my dislike for McDonald's (and Starbucks, I suspect), I gave serious thought about doing it again.

But then I realized, that I, MYSELF am a lot like McDonald's. I come from America, I've been a lot of places, yet I'm EXACTLY the same, wherever I am. And when we get to a place with no McDonald's, I have to say for the most part? I agree with them. You just don't want to be there (exceptions: Boracay, Albania and Cambodia). Some people travel to "find themselves", whereas I just keep encountering my same self.

Just like McDonald's.

Maybe that's why I hate them.

First World Problems

2010-06-02T09:30:00.007-04:00

FM and I? Not so much on the camping. We've done it before, even together. But in reality, our idea of "roughing it" is a 3 star hotel.

This weekend we went off to explore the northeast coast of Uruguay. Now mind you, it's winter here, and although the entire coast is dunes and beaches, it's far to cold for beaching it these days. Which means the population out there? Was a bit sparse.

As were open hotels or restaurants.

Saturday night, after six hours of driving through rain and blow, we were in Punta Del Diablo. With no apparent signs of life. MANY places for rent (signs up in Spanish), but nothing open. The closest place we KNEW was open was another hour back down the road.

Fortunately, we stumbled into the Apache Cabanas and encountered a very helpful man named Fernando who set us up in our own personal chalet for the night. Unbeknownst to us, overnight stays in this part of the world usually require you to bring your own sheets, towels, soap, TP - basically - CAMPING.

On Saturday night, however, it looked like paradise.

We had hot and cold running water, toilet, shower, electricity, heat via the fireplace (and wood provided by same helpful man!), a refrigerator, television, and possibly even a WiFi connection. And, we had brought our own coffee maker.

Basically, we were living better than 25% of the world population. And we considered it roughing it.

It's sad to think 12% of the world (and that's 803 MILLION people, almost three times the population of the US of A) do not have access to drinkable water, let alone a flush toilet or a SHOWER. 25% live without electricity. 14% are actually homeless. 25% live below the poverty level, which is ONE DOLLAR A DAY. Egads.

We have stayed in hotels in Africa one step below a Motel 6 and it was the nicest place in town. We've stayed in 4 star hotels in Cambodia where our NIGHTLY rate was the equivalent of TWO MONTHS SALARY for a local. We've drank away an average Burmese's monthly salary on a nightly basis.

Makes you think, eh?

Let us never forget how entirely blessed we are. No matter how much we want a new couch/car/kitchen, or even crab about the cost of electricity/gas/LAWNCARE, let's not forget all those people out there who would gladly trade lives with you RIGHT NOW. Who would think they hit the lotto. Who maybe might even appreciate it 1,600,000,000 times more than us.

On the other side of the coin, 25% of the world's population is considered obese. Hmmmm.

You can't always get what you want. . .

2010-05-23T10:45:00.003-04:00

Memorial Day weekend looms. We've toyed with several plans. My visa is NOT good for the entire time we're scheduled to be here. It's an easily solvable problem in country, but we initially thought a quick weekend trip to Buenos Aires would be fun.

That plan turned into a long weekend at Iguazu Falls. But then? Reality.

Sigh. Pesky reality is that for 2.5 days at Iguazu for the two of us = $2000 US.

And even though we are made of money (NOT), that just seems a bit high to look at falling water. Even if it's the most impressive falling water on the continent. Or in the world.

Those silly Argentinians have now made it pretty darn expensive just to land in their country, too. $131/per person just to leave the airport. For a weekend? Hmmmm.

So, after two weekends in a row of cruising around Uruguay, we decided to spend more of our money here, and head to the Rocha coastline and spend the weekend.

Although Buenos Aires and Iguazu both sound like fun, I think I'll keep (most) of my $ in my pocket this time around.

But, on the plus side? The water falling in my shower is now pressurized. I could look at that all day.

Six Weeks from Sunday. . .

2010-04-30T14:51:00.003-04:00

Time. It's a funny thing. We waste it, pass it, bide it. Heck, sometimes we even KILL it.

Often, time seems long. When you're eight and waiting for Christmas. At work, when it's only 2:30 PM. Other times, it flies. When you're out with friends and suddenly its 2:30 AM. When you turn 40 and realize according to most actuary table, your life is HALF OVER.

Sigh.

But, FM and I tend to measure time differently. We refer to years by which country we were living in. Which, in our little universe, makes last year pretty much wasted time. And, although I can say I was in Macedonia, Croatia, Peru, Arizona and Vegas (and FM can add Mexico and Columbia), it still feels like we were home most of '09. And we WERE.

Now, It's been a year and a half since Beijing. Three years since Hong Kong. Five years since Rome. Seven years since Chad (shudder). Ten years since we were married.

Damn.

Which means I've been married for 25% of my life. Have known FM for 37.5% (of course, his stats are different, he's only been married for 17.8%, known me for 25%. He started late. . . heehee).

And last year? That wasted year? I was able to reunionize with people I haven't seen in HALF OF MY LIFE. Talk about time flying by. . .

The stats themselves are not important or impressive, just a reminder of how fast time elapses.

In the words of William Shakespeare, "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace of day to day."

Petty pace? Often I muse upon the ways I spend my days. Is it a waste of time to do the things we enjoy? Is reading a book a waste of time? Does it depend on what you are reading? When DOES it become a waste of time? When you are doing it instead of something else? Is Facebooking (is that a verb?) a waste of time? Watching television? Sitting on the beach? Taking a walk? What if I decide to not even leave the house? It can assume a petty pace, but tomorrows always beckon.

But, eventually we run out of tomorrow. Sometimes suddenly. Or the people we love cannot count another day.

The passage of time just feels sad. Not only in what it physically does to us, but in the lost seconds, hours, days and years we can never respend.

How do we live in the moment? How do you pass the time? What makes your time "worthwhile"? Being paid? Helping others? Enjoying yourself? All three?

I've been pondering this concept of time. The only conclusion I have discovered is, even if I have a hard time filling it, I want more than what I have coming.

This Sunday, we'll have been in Montevideo for six weeks. A relatively short period of time, but a chunk of my life that has figuratively flown by. And, I kind of want it back to relive and enjoy again. Yet, I also look forward to the next six weeks. And the next.

Time. It's such a conundrum.

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault.

It's a WHAT?

2010-04-20T07:42:00.014-04:00

One of the pitfalls of our kind of travel is adjusting to the "norm" in every country.

After three weeks in Montevideo, we finally found an apartment, had our cable television and WiFi installed, procured a coffee maker that, however slow, does produce drinkable coffee every morning and possess a "fully equipped" kitchen. So I can cook. And save a couple dollars. You know how I like to do that (save money, not cook)!

Our landlord, Daniel, is a very helpful guy who's English is about as good as my Spanish. We correspond via email using Google Translator, which can make for some very hilarious conversations. I got an email from him the other day regarding an extra key on my ring that said, "don't worry, the garage is undrinkable". I still haven't figured that one out. But, good to know, I guess!

But, my first day here I decided I would make some tuna salad. I started searching through the cupboards looking for a can opener. I saw this rusty, nasty THING and figured it was a broken can opener piece. So, I emailed Daniel and asked him to bring me a can opener. He emailed me back saying, there are two there. Hmmmmmm.

He arrived later that afternoon to bring our WiFi router, and I asked him to show me the can opener. He pulled this apparatus out (see above pic. I KNOW. It doesn't look like a can opener). Instead of admitting I'm an idiot and don't know how to use it, I just nodded and hoped FM had seen something like this before.

Turns out he had (it must be VERY old - LOL), and he proceeded to show me how to use it. It's not that easy. And very antiquated. But, it does open a can. Eventually. (FYI - I looked at the local supermarket for an upgrade, you know - like the one that's in YOUR drawer at home? $25. For $25 I can BITE open a can.)

Point being, traveling for extended periods of time makes you into a fairly adaptable person.

Or a person who just wants to go home. I'm opting for adaptation.

Other issues I'm struggling with:

WHY WHY WHY do we not have hot water in our KITCHEN. Seriously.
Our brand new updated bathroom shower? Dribbles water on you like an camel spitting.
I so hate not having a clothes dryer. Kirsten has one. NO FAIR.
That empty lot next door to our building? Never thought about it two weeks ago. It's now a CONSTRUCTION SIGHT. And the dudes showed up at 6:45 AM this morning. So peaceful.
Can't find feta cheese, an integral part of my diet.

BUT. The wine is fine, the steaks are always on the BBQ (this whole town smells like a BK - in a good way), the beer is lovely and every night I get to watch the sunset off my balcony.

I guess I can struggle with canned goods for a couple months.

Out with the Old, In with the New

2009-06-25T10:55:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, I stepped out on the front porch to have my first ciggie of the day, and found this "gift" laying on the steps.

Of course, my initial reaction was EEEEEEK! I have a SNAKE! Living near my house!

Which of course, is insane, because we are surrounded by woods, ponds and other flora which promote snake-life, so the idea of a SNAKE actually living in this woodland paradise isn't that far-fetched.

Nor is it exactly comforting, but whatever. In the 4.5 years we've lived here I've never seen evidence of a snake, until now.

And you know what they say about snakes. If you see one, that's ENOUGH! LOL

But, in the interest of laziness, I've left the snakeskin lying (laying? hmmm) out there, and I've spent a fair amount of time outside in the last couple days, so I've seen it more than twice.

I got to thinking about that snake. I'm sure it's not an exactly pleasant experience to shed one's skin. And, I'm sure he picked the concrete, a rather less comfortable place for a snake than say, the WOODS, in order to facilitate this process.

Which led me to thinking about FM and my life right now.

Although I don't think we are as creepy as snakes, it may be time for us to shed our own exterior skins in exchange for newer, brighter, better fitting ones.

It may be painful for a while (I'm actually quite sure it's going to be), but in the end we will walk away with a fresh new skin.

Thanks Mr. Garter Snake for the life lesson. I'm glad I didn't immediately throw your old protective covering into the trash, but instead let it sit there and remind me that sometimes change IS for the better.

2009-06-02T12:13:00.003-04:00

Yep. We are in Peru. I can tell because HERE IS AN ALPACA! I missed these guys, they're so cute. Not as cute as a vicuna, but cute enough to take massive amounts of pictures of and say, "AWWWWW!"

Other things that have happened since arriving:

Stuck in the suburbs for the first week, venturing out only at night when accompanied by my bodyguards
Read too much information about the dangers and pitfalls of Lima, left me feeling too chicken shit to take camera out of bag
Moved to apartment in Miraflores, very safe area of town, now feel comfortable walking around to some areas
Arranged for private driver for FM to take him to work and back, so he doesn't have to talk to taxi cab drivers
Managed to make my BRAND NEW TENNIS SHOES stink already
Got a SIM card for my phone
Argued with Comcast cable about my bill for ONE HOUR
Drank some beer
Drank some wine
Ate octopus salad (acceptable, think it was better in Croatia, however spotty readers to this blog would NEVER know I was in Croatia. In February.)

and, oh yea.

Found out as of June 30, FM doesn't have a job anymore with his current employer.

Must find new job in order to continue Flatbacking lifestyle. Sigh.

Also visited some ancient Lima Culture ruins near my house, which can be viewed at http://www.aroundtheworldin80beers.net/id47.html if you are interested. Or not.

The stars at night. . . are big and bright. . . CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

2009-05-20T16:45:00.006-04:00

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

Which, in case your someone who's NOT on my Facebook or checking my website, is where we are!

Until Saturday, when we leave for Peru.

And, personally, I prefer Dallas' little sister Fort Worth to Dallas anyday. Wish we were staying there. . .

By the way, I've been wearing the same pair of shorts for the last three days. . .

Hello? Hello? Anyone?

2009-05-08T08:34:00.004-04:00

Wow. Been a while, eh? My statcounter tells me most my traffic is being driven here by google image searches. My bad.

But, being we are off to Peru next weekend, and I didn't post the entire time we were in Macedonia OR Croatia, I guess I'd better come back and talk to those people looking for octopi pictures.

Wouldn't want them to feel left out!

WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO

2008-11-04T23:10:00.005-05:00

Loving life in the USA!

OBAMA! OBAMA!

I have never been prouder of my peeps!

John McCain made a very gracious concession speech. And I hope his supporters around the country respect his thoughts more than his local audience in Arizona.

And, no offense, but Michelle? Can we talk about that DRESS!?!?!

I hate pretentiousness

2008-11-03T15:40:00.004-05:00

And, no, I'm not talking about the election. But, if I was, I'd tell you to make sure you VOTE TOMORROW. And, I'd like to tell you who to vote FOR, but I guess that's your choice. Meh.

I am talking about paying damn good money for sub-par food, though.

Saturday night was a surprise 40th birthday party for my nephew (how I have a nephew older than me can be blamed right on FM) held at a restaurant here in town called Bistro Bella Vita.

They have a reputation for good food and better martini's. I did not join in the martini fun, knowing I had to drive home, but did consume a couple draft beers. And food that was no good.

This place is filled with posh looking couples and groups of people clinking martini and wine glasses and looking like they stepped out of magazine pages. Ocassionally I would see someone eating. More of a place to be seen on a Saturday night than anything. I must say, it's been more than eight years since I've been there, and I do remember the food being AT LEAST EDIBLE.

When I break down and shell out triple digits (or FM does) for dinner, I do expect it to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. Especially triple digits in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

If I had been served FM's Boeuf Bourguignonne, it would have went straight back to the kitchen. It was SO SALTY. I declared it inedible, but being we had waited over an hour and a half for it to arrive, FM just quietly gobbled it down and waited for his ankles to swell.

I had the Skate, which is a very light and delicate ray fish which the cook (chef? dare I call him that?) had used about three times too much oil to prepare.

And our Greek Salad appetizer? Since when are there no peppers in a Greek salad. And why the fennel? Not that fennel is bad, it just does not belong in my Greek Salad. Which, by the way, neither does SPINACH.

Whatever. At least you could eat it.

Woke up in the night with a very upset stomach.

In other news, our 1995 Taurus finally lost it's transmission enroute to one of the more exquisite golf courses around town. Whilst being followed by our financial advisor driving his brand new BMW.

Thank God he was there.

And Mike got SENIOR RATES at the course. Saved us $10, but made him feel a little sad, I think. Yes, we are golfing in November in Michigan. Going again tomorrow, as it promises to be 70 degrees Fahrenheit.

The junk yard gave us enough money for the car to cover our golf on Friday or our dinner on Saturday. But not both.

Sigh.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?

2008-10-27T07:16:00.003-04:00

Having been out of the country these last 9 months has not protected us from major US election coverage, of which I am mostly glad. It's always nice to know what's going on in the world, but this has been a pretty exciting campaign for both the Democrats and the Republicans.

And, it's also kept me aware of just how strongly both sides supporters feel and far they will stoop.

But, after returning home, I called a dear old friend (she's not old, she's just been a friend a looooong time). I typically don't talk politics with her, as we tend not to agree and are not going to change each other's minds, but she brought up the election.

Said she was very confused.

Seems her church is preaching that a vote for Obama will send you straight to hell. That any Christian who votes for Obama doesn't deserve to call themselves a Christian.

Now, I've heard of such things going on, but this is the first time I've talked to an educated person who's actually been subject to such bullshit. Whether you're for Obama or against him, I don't think a vote for him will damn you for eternity. . . .

Just saying.

On a better note, two other friends I had dinner with last week (and vowed not to talk politics with) openly admitted at the end of the night they were voting for Obama.

I was STOKED. And very surprised.

I didn't tell them they were going straight to hell.

Well, Hello There Little Blogger Account

2008-10-23T08:44:00.002-04:00

Boy, I've been avoiding YOU like the plague, eh?

I'm home from China, FM got to spend 36 hours here before reboarding a plane bound for Beijing (totally unplanned, of course, he'd never fly home for 36 hours) and is expected back in my loving arms on Tuesday night.

Of course, he'll probably be grumpy as hell and jetlagged to boot. Poor dude.

I've been shopping my butt off while he's gone. Spending money is so much easier when the man is not around. . .

On a good note (?), the shopping has left little time or energy for the drinking, so my liver is getting a break. All good.

Is Sarah Palin a Policitian or Stand-Up Comedian?

2008-09-15T22:56:00.002-04:00

Without getting into a HUGE political debate (O-BAMA-O-BAMA), I must say, I'm confused. Is she giving speeches or perfecting her comedy routine?

Now, don't get me wrong. I like my politicians to have wit and charm. But I also like them to be able to speak about ISSUES without delivering a BADDA-BING after every point.

I just met this gal last week and she's already making me tired. Silly bobblehead.

I fear the average American will vote for her, thinking they're putting Tina Fey into office and at least she'll be good for a laugh over the next four years. Or maybe they think that was here on SNL.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26725961/

My Brain Hurts

2008-09-11T20:54:00.002-04:00

All I have been doing since Friday is stressing out about buying/changing airline tickets, travel dates, hotel reservations, talking on the phone to airlines and basically ripping my hair from my head.

I think I have a career as a travel agent in my future. Obviously, I have the experience. I know more about the available flights, schedules, and change fees than the representatives I'm talking to. Sorda.

I think we are sorted out now.

I hope.

FM REALLY believes there's a magic basket

2008-09-02T20:43:00.003-04:00

Here was my schedule for Labor Day, Monday, September 1, 2008:

6:30: Wake Up
6:30-7:00: Drink coffee to wake up
7:00-7:30: Get pretty
7:30 - 8:15: Make breakfast for our golfing foursome
8:15 - 8:30: Wait for foursome to show up
8:30 - 9:00: Entertain foursome, eat breakfast, drink more coffee
9:00 - 9:30: Ride a half hour in a taxi to golf course, while getting lost a couple times
9:30 - 10:00 Rent clubs, get briefed on specific rules of tournament, organize bags, take a pee, buy water, smoke some cigarettes. etc.
10:00: Walk to appropriate tee box
10:15-10:30: Wait for foursome ahead of us to tee off.
10:30 - 4:00: Play some really bad golf with a couple good shots thrown in to keep us coming back.
4:00 -4:20: Unpack rental bags, bid our caddies good-bye, take another shower
4:20 - 5:00: Drink beer in the clubhouse while waiting for food
5:00 - 5:30: Eat semi-decent food, hungrily
5:30 - 6:00: Award ceremony for those who actually played decent golf and booby prizes for those of us who didn't
6:00 - 6:30: Drink more beer
6:30 - 7:00: Wait for taxi to come and pick us up
7:00 - 7:30: Ride home in taxi
7:30 - 8:30: Take a "nap"

So, at 8:30 we discuss going for dinner, but decide to eat nectarines and pistachio nuts instead, watch a little TV and get ready for bed around 10:30. And, what does FM ask me?

"Did any laundry get done today?"

Hmmmmmmmm.

I am confused. Exactly who does he think has been doing the laundry for the last six months?

If the Olympics Were High School

2008-08-26T02:47:00.029-04:00

MOST LIKELY TO BECOME AN INTERNET PORN STAR:

Leryn Franco

This Paraguayan Javelin Thrower didn't qualify for her event, but self admittedly, it didn't bother her. Her main reason for attending the Olympics in Beijing was to get enough coverage "to make me famous". If her recent internet success is any indicator, I think she'll do just that.

MOST CAPABLE OF IMPOSSIBLE FEATS:

Samuel Kamau Wansiru

This Kenyan Marathoner ran 4.8 minute miles for just over two hours. In the HEAT and POLLUTION of DOWNTOWN BEIJING. IMHO, every person who ran this marathon deserved a gold medal. I can hardly walk to the grocery and back!

MOST LIKELY TO NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN:

Liu Xiang

It wouldn't surprise me if the PRC sent him off to a work camp somewhere.

MOST LIKELY TO BE CAUGHT SKIPPING:

Dayron Robles

Cuban Hurdler who can out hurdle anyone. Althouth he didn't break Liu's record from '04, he skipped away from the rest of the field like a gazelle.

MOST LIKELY TO BE CAUGHT LYING ABOUT HER AGE:
He Kexin

Oops, too late. Already caught lying about age. . .

MOST POPULAR OVERALL:
Kobe Bryant

Not only a hit amongst the Americans, but the Chinese LOVE him. Adore him. Have a huge fan club here for him.

MOST SPIRITED OLYMPIAN
Samiya Yuusf Omar

200m Runner from Somalia who finished a full 9 seconds behind in her heat. But dudes, she's from SOMALIA. And, she's only 16. If she can run like this, she should just keep on running until she hits Egypt.

HONORABLE MENTION: The Entire Iraqi Squad

BIGGEST FLIRT:
Stephanie Rice
Australian Swimmer allegedly caught playing tonsil hockey with Michael Phelps. . . Think of the children they could have!

OLYMPIC CLOWN:

Usain Bolt

I don't care what the IOC says, this dude deserved some showboating. He only hurt his OWN chance at a BETTER World Record. Totally Irie, Mon!

LEAST AMOUNT OF OLYMPIC SPIRIT:
Angel Matos

While Dayron brought nothing but fame to Cuba, Angel brought nothing but shame when this 80+ kg TaeKwonDo athlete kicked a Swedish ref in the face after disagreeing with a call. Nice.

And now, your King and Queen.

OLYMPIC PROM KING:

Michael Phelps (Uh, who did you expect?)

The most decorated Olympian ever.

AND YOUR QUEEN:

Yelena Isinbayeva

If this Russian Pole Vaulter ever gets tired of jumping over plastic poles she can always take Brooke Shields place in the modeling world.

WE GOT THE GOLD, BABY!

2008-08-25T09:59:00.005-04:00

Unless you live on Neptune, I'm sure you know, our magnificent basketball team won the Gold on Sunday afternoon at the 2008 Olympics.

But, did you know we were there?

Oh, YEAH, Baby! It ROCKED!

Quite the game. You can read more and see other pictures here.

You're Standing on My Last Nerve

2008-08-20T22:38:00.005-04:00

Lately, I've been a bit of a bitch.

Okay, maybe I'm always a bit of a bitch and lately I've been a whole lot more.

But, man. People are really getting on my nerves. It was so bad Monday night I decided to stay inside and not interact with anyone on Tuesday. I needed a time out.

Yesterday I felt a bit better and did interface with a few people.

And then we went to Paddy O'Sheas to watch the basketball game. Besides meeting an awesome gal from Maryland and her son who kindly shared their table with us, everyone else in the place, including the staff was UNDER MY SKIN.

I don't know if it's Beijing, hormones, boredom, tiredness (is that a word?) or what, but I'm starting to think I'm about one idiot away from going postal.

It doesn't feel good.

HELP!

The Veneer is Cracking

2008-08-20T02:35:00.005-04:00

It's funny how actually living in a specific foreign country will change your perception of said foreign country.

Not really.

But, it IS funny how your perception of a foreign country morphs the longer you stay.

My feelings about China/Beijing have run the gamut over the last six months (OH MY GOD HAVE WE REALLY BEEN HERE THAT LONG AND THE END IS STILL NOT NIGH), mostly on the low opinion side of the poll.

It has been fun watching/listening to our friend Randy, who is a fairly well traveled dude. When he first arrived he was quite impressed with everything. I don't know if this was based on his pre-conceptions of what Beijing would be like or if he just saw things differently than we did upon our arrival. Granted, he was supplied with a driver (for work), which takes ALOT of the initial hassles out of the equation, and he was working with some highly educated Chinese folks proficient in English (that would be nice!).

But the longer he's been here the less enchanted I think he's become.

I would say the rose colored glasses he initially was wearing have become a tad polluted. Not to the point he's not enjoying himself, just to the point where he is able to see behind the curtain a bit.

It's a strange place.

Bird's Nest is AWESOME

2008-08-16T22:58:00.002-04:00

There's the Olympic Flame shining down on us while we're INSIDE THE BIRD'S NEST.

WOOT.

More later, but we are off to visit the Great Wall (again) with Randy.

Unfortunately, not as clear today as it has been the last two, but will probably be a little cooler.

Nice.

I Dream of the Redeem Team

2008-08-15T05:24:00.004-04:00

Thanks to our friend Randy who is working for NBC in Beijing right now, we scored tickets to the USA Redeem Team vs. Greece Olympic Basketball Game last night.

Awesome seats, to boot.

WOOT!

Today I'm a little hoarse from all the screaming and yelling and beer drinking and popcorn eating.

Much more exciting than the women's Russia vs. Belarus game we saw on Wednesday morning.

Tonight we will venture inside the Bird's Nest for some Track and Field excitement.

I love Randy.

Taxi Turmoil in Beijing

2008-08-12T19:32:00.001-04:00

The Ten Commandments of Taxi Travel in Beijing

1. Thou shall not communicate in English with the Chinese taxi driver. He does not understand “Forbidden City”, no matter how loudly or often it’s repeated.

2. Thou shall not enter a taxi without your destination name AND directions written in Chinese. Plus a phone number, just in case. And possibly a map.
3. Thou shall not tip. I like this commandment.
4. Thou shall not expect to be delivered to the doorstep of your intended destination. You should expect to be close enough the driver can unintelligibly wave you toward an unseen location, causing you to wander around and absorb the local culture for up to twenty minutes. Or possibly take another taxi to your actual destination.
5. Thou shall not be surprised the driver is encased in a plastic barrier separating you from him. Still not sure if it’s to protect him from you or vis-à-vis.
6. Thou shall not cringe and gasp, nor make audible noises of shock and surprise as your driver maniacally turns left into oncoming Beijing traffic. He knows what he’s doing. I hope.

7. Thou shall not try and change large bills. This man, despite what it looks like, is not operating a business. You should preferably have small bills, if not exact change.
8. Thou shall not be concerned if driver drinks tea, talks on cell phone, drives with no hands, bangs on the steering wheel, curses loudly in Mandarin, or any combination while driving
9. Thou shall not react when, parked in traffic, the taxi driver opens the driver door and coughs and spits out half a lung onto the roadway.

10. Thou shall not attempt to flag a taxi in the rain. Due to the record amount of accidents that happen during adverse weather, Beijing taxi drivers will almost never pick up a fare during the first twenty minutes of a rain shower.

Grand Rapids Television Crew

2008-08-05T10:47:00.002-04:00

Besides being 45 MINUTES late (and anyone who knows us knows WE ARE NEVER LATE! EVER!!!! How embarrasing) we did meet up with our hometown media talent in Beijing, China.

We took them out for Mussel night, because, really! It's Tuesday and I need my mussels.

And they were very cuil (get it? I'm so hip. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, look at Google's new rival, www.cuil.com) people. And didn't berate us too bad for being soooooo late, which was nice.

Nice to met you, Dan Limbaugh and Brian Sterling. And Happy Anniversary this month to Brian! 14 years with WOOD. CUIL.

heehee

Half a Head

2008-08-04T10:40:00.004-04:00

We just got home from dinner and a few drinks at a HUGELY overpriced beer hall (196 Kuai for four beers, that's like $28US. WTF? Am I in the US????)

FM's watching "The Sara Connors Chronicles" or whatever, and I'm sending emails and reading blogs.

He gets up to take a leak and says, "That dude's okay, he only lost HALF HIS HEAD."

Me: (not watching because of above activities) "Dude, we only use 10% of our brain, he's fine.

FM: True

Me: But the bleeding can be bad news. Bleeding profusely from the head is always bad.

FM: Yea. That's a problem

He continues watching. I decide to blog about it.

Such is our live.

Oh yea. I'm drunk again.

Damn.

Drunk Blogging

2008-08-02T13:09:00.001-04:00

Okay, it took everything I have just to sign IN to blogger right now.

But what I have to say, IS, I hate all these bloggers who TAKE SO MUCH TIME contemplating each word of their posts to make them such WONDERS.

Where I just sign on drunk and blog.

Where's the honesty here, people???

Heeheeheeheehee

I Throw Like a Girl

2008-07-31T21:32:00.004-04:00

Mike heard a rumor that the Goose and Duck Pub had Olympic tickets available. He's still operating under the de-lusion we will be able to buy reasonably priced tickets for events he actually wants to see.

When I found out we would be here through the Olympics, I scoured the resources available (well, the internet) trying to find some tickets.

To no avail.

But, I humored him, and went over to the G&P to investigate. We were given a phone number to call for an organization called Golden Tickets who will have some limited availability tickets for sale "some time next week".

So, we had dinner and played some darts.

We've been to the G&P many times. Too many times, if you ask me. But, it was surprisingly unbusy last night, and Jessie the manager was extremely welcoming (as usual, I think he's 50% responsible for the popularity of this venue. . . it SURE ain't the food!).

They have a baseball pitching cage. After a *few* beers, I decided to check the speed of my infamous fastball (I don't really have a fastball, in fact I haven't thrown a baseball in somewhere around twenty years).

First attempt? 37 mph. That is SLOOOOOOOW.

I finally peaked at 52 mph. I felt a bit like a girl.

Until Mike peaked at 51 mph.

And, this morning? My shoulder and back feel like I'm 108.

Which would have been a very impressive speed.

When Opposites Attack

2008-07-30T00:01:00.007-04:00

It's no secret to me, or anyone else, FM and are head smackingly complete opposites.

For the most part, it works. We provide each other "insight" into a whole different world of thought.

Or something like that.

On a deep, psyche defining level, we're probably more alike than we know.

But on a daily living basis I sometimes think there couldn't be any two more different people trying to forge out a life together.

FM's quiet. I'm, well, NOT quiet. He's calm and rational. I'm usually some kind of emotional mess. He's gentle. I'm rough. He's water. I'm oil. Get it?

We have the small potential of a mini-break coming up. Our proposed leave date from Beijing and our proposed return date may be so close together it doesn't warrant hopping into the belly of the flying beast and returning all the way home.

So what to do in the Asia area for a couple weeks?

My proposal: A trip into Mongolia, down to Shanghai, through some other Chinese towns I don't know the names of but will research and figure out at some point, to the Three River Gorge (a boat trip, I'm thinking), onto Hainan Island (the Hawaii of China) and maybe a quick hop over to Hong Kong, for old time's sake.

Obviously, not completely thought out yet, but we HAVE visa's for China, visa's that allow us to stay for A YEAR, and pop in and out of the country as often as we wish. Shouldn't we take advantage of seeing more of this fantastically huge and varied country while we're here?

FM's response: Why do you want to see more of China? It's all the same. .. right?

Me: (shaking head in dismay) What do you want to do?

FM: A week in Tokyo and a week in Hong Kong.

Me: But, but, but. . . we've BEEN to both of those places. Several times.

FM: Yep.

Me: Maybe I'll go on a five day tour by myself while you're working . . .

FM: Okay.

Me: Isn't there anywhere in China you would like to see?

FM: Nope. But maybe Mongolia.

Me: Okay, I'll leave Mongolia out of my tour, and we'll do that together.

FM: I said maybe.

Not that I should be surprised by any of this. It happens every time we try and plan a vacation. I want the new, the different, the unknown. FM wants the tried, the true, the familiar.

It's the same with so many aspects of our life. Even eating. I want to try new places, FM wants to return to where he knows the food and service are good. I offer to make a ahi tuna with seasame and ginger, he opts for Shepherd's Pie.

Usually we find some kind of happy medium.

He did mention he'd consider Tibet or Nepal, in combination with Hong Kong. Well, that's someplace new and different. And even a place I would like to go. Just not exactly what I want to do, nor exactly what FM wants to do. Sigh.

When we go "my" way, it usually ends up, well, not so perfect. Partly because we approach new things differently. FM is cautious, more guarded. I'm gung-ho, let's walk across town! Let's rent a car and drive 100 miles! Let's see everything here!

For two people who have traveled together for 8+ years, we definitely have different styles. It works out okay, what with him working all day giving me the time and space to wander and explore on my own. But when free time becomes available? Whew. It's a clash of worlds.

He just popped back from work this morning to pick up his passport and said, "I just heard a rumor we can't work on X date and X date, due to the incoming visit of our illustrious leader."

Me: SWEET! Four day weekend! We could go to Mongolia! Or Hainan!

FM: I want a golf weekend. Bye! (running out the door before he can get a response)

Me: (banging head on the floor) ARGHHHHHHHH!

In his defense, I'm sure my itinerary of a China tour thrilled him in the same mind-numbing way a proposed four day golf weekend in the scorching sun of China thrills me.

Ain't love grand?

I'm afraid of my underwear now

2008-07-24T00:03:00.006-04:00

At the grocery store checkout this morning I noticed this sign.

And now I'm afraid.

Are my belongings staging a secret revolt?

Will I wake up with my bra holding a knife to my throat?

Will they all just cry mutiny and skaddadle out of my apartment?

Has my computer already started the revolution and about to recruit my cell phone and camera?

What do the Chinese know about my belongings that I don't?

The horror. . . oh the horror. . .

Passing for Chinese

2008-07-21T20:53:00.006-04:00

While enjoying a couple beers al fresco at Schiller's the other night we got to talking to our patio mates. We do tend to meet the neighbors. . .

They were diplomats from Burundi and have lived in Beijing for 2 years and speak fluent(ish) Chinese, English and whatever language they speak in Burundi (I could Google that for you, but nah).

They asked FM and I how long we'd been in Beijing, we replied, "Four and a half months, and we'll probably be here around seven or eight."

There response was, "And you don't speak ANY Chinese??"

Nope.

Well, we can say "Straight", "Left", "Right","Hi", "Thank You", "How are you?" and count to five or so.

We are pretty comfortable not being able to speak the local language, obviously. It's the case most of the places we live. However, the absolute lack of English here in China has made things a little trickier and we've had to resort to very different avenues in order to get around and communicate over very basic transactions.

But the Burundians couldn't believe it was possible to live here without any Chinese language skills.

We talked about shopping, and they told me it would help if I bargained in Chinese. Now, I'm a pretty good bargainer, and the sales girls at the markets all speak good English, so I haven't really considered this.

However, I don't think they are going to mistake me for a local.

Or the guys from Burundi, either.

One Hundred BILLION Dollars

2008-07-20T20:29:00.006-04:00

Zimbabwe, in response to mind-boggling inflation of over 1000% per year, has issued a One Hundred Billion Dollar note.

Worth less than one US Dollar, and unsufficient to buy even a loaf of bread.

At least they won't need a wheelbarrow to bring their money to the market.

When we were in Korea, the exchange was about 1$ to 8000 Won. It's actually higher now, I don't know what's happening in South Korea to make their money worth LESS than ours, but that's another entry, I'm sure. . .

Point was, our rent in Seoul was 2.5 Million Won (sounds swanky, eh?), which equivilated to about $2200/month.

And we had to pay cash our first month. And the biggest bill they had is a 10,000 Won note.

Which meant we had to bring over three thousand 10,000 won notes to our apartment lease signing. And wait for them to count it. . . twice. We literally had to carry it in a garbage bag. Think about having $3000 dollars in one dollar bills.

Three thousand bills (of any denomination) is a lot. As an average American, I've never physically held 3000 bills.

Trust me, it's a bunch.

But at least you could actually buy something with them.

Here in China, we have 100 CNY notes, which equal about $14US. And sometimes it can be difficult to get change, from taxi drivers or small market vendors, which in itself can be a bit frustrating as the ATM's only issue 100CNY bills. I'm sure outside the major cities these bills are impossible to change and are generally stuffed into mattresses.

But two of them will get you a very fine meal and a couple drinks, or, as we found out yesterday, 2 VIP tickets to the movies.

About 2 PM on Sunday, in defense to a very humid and hot day, we decided to go to the movies. Sounds simple, yeah? I found a couple cinemas on line playing "Hancock" (I know, but there are only two English language films playing in Beijing right now, "Kung Fu Panda" and "Hancock" and we already watched the former on bootleg DVD).

The closest theater to us had many showings, and another theater across town was showing it on the hour. We tried the closer first, only to be told they were sold out until the 8 PM show.

After spending about 30 minutes trying to find a different theater in the SoHo plaza across the street (we never found it) we jumped the subway 8 stops across town.

Not a good experience. Like being a sardine in a can held over an open flame. Unexplainably, while we were waiting in the ticket line, the young Chinese dude in front of us BOUGHT our subway tickets for us. Just turned around and held them out to us. A whole 4 Kuai saved! I don't think we looked that down on our luck, but whatevs. Now we are responsible for performing a random act of kindness to someone else, you know, that whole pay it forward thing. . .

ANYWAY, we arrived at our stop, spent a few minutes getting oriented (unchartered territory over there), found the mall the theater was in, went upstairs and proceeded to try and buy tickets. It was now 4PM (yes, we'd already be gone long enough to actually WATCH an entire movie).

Next showing with available tickets? 6 PM.

In China, like many other countries (Japan, Korea, Greece, Hong Kong) when you buy your movie ticket you actually have assigned seats. They show you a computer screen mapping out the theater and you choose your seat. After laying out 180 Kuai she showed me the screen, which had 6 seats on it.

Huh?

So, I chose our seats and we went back into the mall to waste two hours, wandering around, eating yogurt, looking at TURTLE SOUP (a whole turtle, shell and all, in a bowl, cut into quarters).

When we returned to the theater around 5:40 we were shown into a VIP lounge. Complete with it's own bathroom and BEER. When we were shown into the theater, there were 22 HUGE leather recliners positioned in groups of two around little tables.

We kicked our shoes off, reclined our chairs (with a remote control), got a couple beers and enjoyed a semi-private showing of a mediocre movie.

What a cool concept.

And we didn't even have to bring a bagful of money along.

Dreaming of. . . BURT REYNOLDS?

2008-07-16T23:33:00.004-04:00

This morning I woke FM and myself up saying, "We HAVE to find Burt Reynolds!"

And in my dream it made total sense. Burt Reynolds wasn't *really* Burt Reynolds, but something/one very important to solving a major problem we were having in my dream.

Disturbing? Yes.

But I dreamed the VERY SAME THING the night before, just didn't wake anyone up.

And I still can't figure out what the dire situation was that could only be fixed by finding Burt.

Try Not To Cry

2008-07-14T21:35:00.003-04:00

In preparation for the onslaught of tourists to Beijing for the 2008 Olympics, the government has "encouraged" people to quit spitting, learn to queue, allow people to actually exit the elevator/subway/etc before trying to board, and to clap for athletes from competing countries.

The newest campaign? Remove dog meat from the menus of restaurants around town.

Although I've been known to eat some odd things (scorpions, beetles, ants, octopus) I'm quite against eating dog. I'm also kinda against eating food that was prepared in the same kitchen as dog.

In fact, I would just as well not know people eat dog. But that's a little like burying my head in the sand.

Regardless, if you're coming for the Olympics and have a adventurous palate, you probably will have to apply some extra effort to finding dog on the menu in Beijing. I, for one, am not heartbroken.

I'm BAAAAAAAACK!

2008-07-13T23:30:00.005-04:00

Let's see if I remember how to do this here. . . heehee

Apparently, my Chinese Censor Friends have decided to let us all use Blogger again, at least until the Olympics are over, so I decided to stop by and post.

And also try and figure out why I have two Headers (which may be just a Blogger goof, as that has been know to happen as well).

But what to post about? Hmmm. The crappy weather? The delicious food? The Great Wall?

Been there, done that at http://www.aroundtheworldin80beers.net/.

Will stop back by when I have an original thought. See you in a while. . .

Okay, okay. . . I know

2008-04-06T10:28:00.004-04:00

This site has been unavailable to me most the time we've been here. And we have managed to have some fun, and see the sky, and enjoy some awesome times. Until further notice (here and maybe there) you should enjoy our times at www.aroundtheworldin80beers.net/. . . sorry to those who only come here, but you can't fight communism without an army.

Ours is in Iraq.

And Bush ain't taking my calls.

The Soup Out My Window

2008-03-21T04:30:00.002-04:00

All week I've been looking out my window (and smelling) what must be Beijing's ASS. And today, it's raining, so Beijing has a case of the runs.

The weather report calls it FOG, but it's wet SMOG.

It's been ugly since Monday. And so dirty. When we open the window, which we do a lot, as it's a SAUNA in our apartment, it takes about 3 minutes for dust to settle across everything. Did I mention the air stinks?

140 days until the Olympics. I don't guess that's enough time to get this place totally shined up. I feel like I'm living in a toxic waste dump. And so do my lungs.

oops

2008-03-04T19:04:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I CAN upload images. I just needed to allow for popups.

So here's the sign. Anyone?

I asked a gal last night who's been here 10 YEARS and she didn't know.

No starting your car on fire? No car bombs? What?

Still Alive

2008-03-04T18:51:00.002-05:00

Hi, Hi, HI! No, I didn't die or anything.

We are in Beijing, and apparently I can't post pictures from here. I was going to make a blog entry about a strange street sign I keep seeing on the streets here, but I can't post the picture.

Lame.

Anyhow, I'll try and get over here and keep you informed of the stranger side of life in China. I can't believe I can even get here from here.

More info always available at www.aroundtheworldin80beers.net

Wake Up With Wood

2008-02-18T16:43:00.003-05:00

We have an AM radio station in town called WOOD AM. It hosts such notorious personalities as Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura (although I'm not 100% on Dr. Laura, it's been years since I've listened to WOOD).

They, obviously, have an older audience.

But they now have billboards in town that say "Wake up with Wood", and I have to ask myself. . .

Do they know what they are saying???

We're off to see the Great Wall!

2008-01-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

More details to follow, but we just got word our next stop will be Beijing, China.

I'm SOOOOO pumped. Now I just need a guidebook and map.

And, maybe some new shoes. And a purse. Possibly a backpack. Some long underwear, jeans? Yea, jeans. And sweaters. . .

Unrequited Lesbian Love

2008-01-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

Friday night I went out with a couple of hotty girlfriends of mine. We decided to go down to FM and I's nephew's bar, Remedy.

This bar has had several names over the past years - Magoo's, The Brickhouse, and now Remedy. It has always had a reputation of being just a bit of a meat market.

FM & I have been down there a few times since we've been home, including New Year's, and haven't really noticed it being too meat market-y, so I thought it would be relatively safe for my married girl, my girl in a long term relationship, and myself. Now mind you, a little attention ain't bad, but I just didn't want it to get out of hand.

Well, it did.

Not in your traditional way, however.

We had a few drinks, then decided to play Wii bowling (they have an AWESOME setup there, plenty of room and projected on a large cement wall).

A couple dudes sniffed around, watching us play. They were playing pool with a blond chick just across the room from us. We offered to let them play the next game.

After a few minutes, the blond chick wandered over and introduced her bad self to me. Her name was Dana.

And she was a FLAMING lesbian, if there is such a thing.

She was 22, and used every line in the book on me for about forty-five minutes. It got to the point I had to be rude. She was actually even touching on me. Now I don't have anything against lesbians personally, and if it had been a guy I would have been just as rude, I swear, especially when the touching started.

By the time she figured out I wasn't interested (I thought telling her I was married would be enough, but OH NO), she decided to move on to my other friend.

And used the exact same verbatim lines on her.

We had to laugh.

I decided if I ever decided to have a lesbian encounter, I'd be the aggressor, now that I know what to say. . .

2008-01-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

I've not spent a lot of time in cemetaries. Although I've lost my share of loved ones, I rarely/never visit graves, and I've never had any great preoccupation with hanging out in cemetaries.

Yesterday, we interred my brother Brian's ashes in the Hankinson Family Plot. Next to my Grandmother and Grandfather.

Standing there, looking around the snow covered hills amongst thousands of gravestones, completely renewed my desire to be cremated. I can't bear the thought of being buried.

But, it also gave me a feeling of peace. Knowing I was standing near my Grandparents, and even great-Grandparents (who I never met). And, knowing my brother's remains would be at rest here.

And even if I never go there, it's nice to know where he is.

A Whole New Year

2008-01-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

Look at it! It's so shiny and brand new.

I'm sure we'll be able to sully it up in no time.

Spent the first day in a slightly hungover funk, but managed to make a pork roast for dinner. Extra points for that.

Also had managed to set in supplies for Bloody Mary's so we didn't have to face the New Year 100% sober. Thank God.

FM is off to work again on the 7th, but only for a couple weeks, so we will have to get some sully-ing in this week yet.
Quickly.

It's no fun to sully without him.

And now? We are off to a matinee of American Gangster.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You Know You're Getting Old. . .

2007-12-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

When this is what floats your boat as a Christmas present.

But, oh well, because IT DOES!

And, NO. We don't live in a trailer. Although that picture makes it look suspiciously like we do.

Not that there's anything wrong with living in a trailer. Just that WE DON'T.

Okay, must go to grocery store now. After painting all day. The excitement never ends.

A Merry, Merry Christmas

2007-12-26T08:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a constant party for the last eight pounds . . . I mean days. . . heehee. We'll probably be suffering from Post-Christmas Depression.

Including the depression that occurs when you can't button your pants.

FM is fatter than he's ever been, topping the scale yesterday at 171. Heinous, eh? It's disgusting. I may have to leave his Fat Ass.

My little brother made the family cry by proposing to his girlyfriend of two years, Amy. A new family member!

FM and I's Christmas present to each other arrives Friday, although we did manage to spend a little money on innocent baubles to exchange on Christmas Day. Our big present is a new front door. And entry light. And doorbell. And garage light as soon as I can find one that doesn't make my stomach roll looking at it. Oh, and house numbers, too (same deal with the rolling stomach).

So, internet, from our family to you and yours, we hope you had as an exciting of a Christmas as we did, minus the extra poundage, and I'm sure we'll talk before the New Year.

Now, I'm sure there's a cinammon roll or two left around here somewhere . . .

Trying to do three things at once

2007-12-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

I honestly didn't know they were advertising a Progresso Soup diet sometime in the last 14 months. I've been away, remember?

Yes, I've heard of the Special K diet and the Subway diet. But not the Progresso Soup diet.

Although, I've always used Progresso Soup as a diet food. It's the only canned soup I will buy. And, if you add a little salsa to the Southwestern Chicken or the Lentil, it's actually pretty palatable.

So, FM and I are trying to quit smoking. Over the holidays. And I'm trying to lose weight. And not eat like a total hog. Quitting smoking and losing weight OVER the holidays do not usually go hand in hand.

But what the hell. I'm giving it a go.

And Progresso Soup is a part of it. I don't eat breakfast as a rule, so around 11 AM I have a half can of soup (flavor of my choice!) and sometimes a piece of toast or some tortilla chips. Then, later in the afternoon I may eat the other half of can. Then I eat a sensible dinner followed by 10-12 beers.

And in between half cans of soup I'm continually shoving chocolate into my mouth, sometimes so fast I gave myself a sore jaw.

Also keeping the exercise level to an absolute low.

But I ain't smoking!

And tomorrow

2007-12-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

We decorate!

WOOT!

This is our first tree in THIS HOUSE! Our fifth Christmas at this address, and finally A TREE!

In our defense, we were only here for three of them, and one of them was ten days after closing and we were knee deep in wallpaper and paint.

The other two?

Yeah. Lazy.

Think Global, Buy Local! Our Christmas tree was not made in China, but it may be just as destructive to the Ozone. But, I don't wanna know!

You SO Gotta Do This

2007-12-02T13:49:00.000-05:00

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1135963542

The website has a tendency to go down, but it's worth revisiting, just to do your own!

I did it! Ask me how. . .

2007-12-01T11:05:00.001-05:00

Well, it was close, kids. Almost too close to call. I was way behind last weekend, needed 12,000 words by Friday at midnight.

I diligently wrote hard all week, on Tuesday I did almost 5,000 words.

Thursday saw me just 800 words short of 50,000. No problem. I can (now) write 800 words in my sleep. A lot of "very's" and "really's", but I can DO IT.

So, Friday, instead of NaNo-ing, I dinked around with Christmas Cards, finished my book (that I'm READING!), planned a trip to the mall. Anything but write those last 800 words.

At 4 PM I finally sidled up to the laptop and pumped them out. Uploaded them to the website, and VIOLA! I was a winner.

And the website told me I had 15 minutes to spare! 15 minutes?!?!?! By my count, I had 7 hours and 15 minutes! How could I have cut it so close?

Because I didn't change my region setting when we returned from Israel. I almost made a fatal mistake. Because, really, I could not have lived without a certificate from NaNoWriMo saying I won and access to that cute little icon at the top of this post.

No, really. I would have slit my wrist. It's quite possibly the only good thing I got from this experience. Besides the discipline to write (almost) everyday, I now have a word doc totalling over 50,000 words that SUCKS! TRULY SUCKS!

Now, what am I going to do with that!?!?!

Oh, and I donated money to them, to boot. Because, really (there's that word again), they do good things. Mostly for kids. And maybe my $25 will inspire a future John Irving.

Now, onward to that Christmas thingy. Supposedly, we are getting a tree tomorrow.

So Not Fa-La-La-ing

2007-11-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

Well, It's Thanksgiving. And tomorrow is the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year.

And, although I have SO much to be thankful for, I must admit, I am SO not ready for the Christmas season.

I can hardly bear to think about it. The snow, the tree, the decorating, the wrapping, the shopping, the crowds, the food.

And there's NO WAY IN HELL you will catch me in a store tomorrow. Unless we need milk and then you'll see me at the Speedway.

I honestly don't know what to buy anyone, or what I need, or what even what FM wants/needs.

Maybe it's because I haven't ate any turkey yet. We're not having our family Thanksgiving until Saturday. Maybe Thanksgiving on Saturday will make me feel more Christmas-sy.

Or, maybe FM's family Christmas party on the 8th of December will help. It usually is a good kick off to the Christmas season. At least when we're here to attend.

I DO actually like Christmas. It just doesn't seem possible it's time for all the trimmings yet. Hell, we just got HOME. And, I need to finish my NaNoWriMo (and yes, I'm behind, by about 5000 words, and beginning to doubt I'll actually make it).

And, if anyone has any gift ideas, email me.

Be it Ever So Humble, There's NO Place Like Home

2007-11-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

We're home. Finally. FM hasn't been home since August 28 of LAST YEAR! I, of course, was home briefly last month, but under circumstances which made my visit slightly less enjoyable than it should have been.

And home, really, is wherever we are in the world. My home is with FM, the good, the bad and the disgusting. I'm always glad when we're in the same country!

But, it's so nice to be surrounded by one's own things. To know what everything in the grocery store is, and how to prepare it. To be able to pick up the phone and call anyone in your time zone, ANYTIME! Although, in comparison to Tel Aviv, the weather is miserable (and it's going to get WAY worse before it gets better, which we probably won't even be here to see/enjoy), we're still HOME!

And I'm already contemplating six ways from Sunday to spend money on our humble abode. God help me, I always want something! Funny how I can manage with 3 spoons, 2 pans, and a spatula somewhere else, but as soon as I walk in the door at home I'm full of materialism and desires for things I use approximately 5 times a year! New countertops, a new front door, new door knobs, and most importantly, our gas fireplace FIXED (I BROKE it when I was home next, according to FM. Damn knob fell right off!)

Anyway, welcome home FM and Flatbacker. You're going to love it. Until you get bored and want to go somewhere else. . . .

French Onion Soup is Better than Ex-Lax

2007-11-08T01:12:00.000-05:00

Holy Mother of God. I forgot about French Onion Soup. FM and I both ordered a bowl as a starter last night. When we were about halfway through, I said, "You know, I think this stuff gives me horrendous gas."

I was right. And, it seemed to work the same magic on FM.

(This morning)

FM: Boy, you can be glad you were sleeping so hard last night.

ME: Not hard enough that I missed that SMELL you were emitting.

FM: I actually had to leave the room!

ME: You left ME in THERE with YOUR STINK?

FM: NO! NO! I came out here to get rid of the stink.

Now, that's love folks.

Kind of the same love I'm feeling for the bathroom right now. And copious amounts of TP. All I had was soup and salad!

Thinking I should probably take French Onion Soup off my personal menu. And, FM's.

women need a code

2007-11-06T09:34:00.000-05:00

Yea, Yea, I know. A good man is hard to find, and a hard man is good to find, and all that, but seriously, ladies, we need a commandment.

And the commandment should be, "Thou shalt not mess (physically or mentally) with another girl's husband".

It's bad enough men have been known to independently, of their own free will, cheat on their wife or fall out of love with their wife. But worse when they are seduced away by some siren who deliberately sets their sights on a married man.

(Clarification: This is absolutely NOT happening to me and FM right now, but rather we are watching someone try to split up a guy and his wife, who were already on some fairly rocky ground.)

It's bad enough to "worry" about your husband straying, but knowing there are women out there who are more than ready to sacrifice your marriage for their pleasure is B-A-D.

And, another thing gals. A guy who is willing to leave his wife for you is probably more likely to be willing to leave YOU for another sometime later down the line.

There are probably better ways to get a man than to steal one away. But, regardless, we need to quit doing this to one another.

And start worrying if our toenail polish matches our lipstick and our sandals. And where to find AVAILABLE men. Unmarried men. Men who are NOT already married. Get it?!?!?

Good.

Even when I was single, I didn't mess with married men.

Very often. :-)

Update on NaNoWriMo

2007-11-02T05:11:00.001-04:00

I didn't write anything yesterday. Not one word. Spent three hours in the morning "researching" (read: reading forums on NaNoWriMo looking for inspiration and finding none). Then, going out and buying the paper, coffee, beer, soap. . .

Returning and reading paper, doing crossword, reading a book. No ideas.

Well, a couple. A southern guy with race issues falling in love with Israel, looking for Jewish roots in his past so he can make Aliyah, and finding he has black Jewish roots. Scrapped. A collection of travel stories in a humorous bent (think tampon stories). Scrapped. Reviving one of my older attempts at a novel. Also scrapped.

Decided to just jump in and start typing. See what happens. Have about 1200 words in the last hour. Not bad, as I'm already 1500 words behind after not writing yesterday.

The goal is not really to write a saleable novel, or even a readable novel. It's to write every day and finally get 50,000 words down in a somewhat related manner.

Title is "All That Is Left Behind".

You can check my progress at http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/237909

NaNoWriMo

2007-10-31T10:20:00.000-04:00

Because I hate myself and am a glutton for punishment, I have signed on officially today for National Novel Writing Month at NaNoWriMo.org . As you can see, I write RELIGIOUSLY here, and sometimes over here.

But I've really never tried anything quite this formatted, rigid, and time constrained. Yes, I've started many a book while out here in the world, but I've never been able to get very far. In order to "win", I have to write 50,000 words this month. In one story. About one plot. In 30 days. While in Israel and at home. 30 days, my friends. Did I mention the 30 days part?

So, I will either have given up by Friday or come December 1 I will have the beginnings of a novel that will require extensive revisions, editing, and all those other fun things.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

The Most Guilt-Inducing Appliance Ever!

2007-10-10T04:46:00.000-04:00

When I married FM, I not only got a kind and loving husband, but included in the entire package was . . . THE AMAZING RAINBOW VACUUM CLEANER, amongst other twaddle (that IS a word, I'll have you know).

Now, FM has had a longtime love with this machine, and who am I to separate a man from his obsession.

I, on the other hand, have hated this machine for the past 9 years I've had to live with it.

Why, you ask?

Not because it cleans my house, upholstery, car, and curtains to the upmost degree.

And, not because I have jealous insecurities that FM loves it more than me.

Also, not because it is a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS to use. If you've ever had one, you know what I'm talking about. Have a minor spill? You need to fill the freaking canister with water, drag the entire contraption out of the basement storage room (the only place BIG enough to store this monstrosity), then vacuum up said mess, THEN empty water and dirt and debris SOMEWHERE, and re-store.

Not even because the whole unit is ungainly and tends to (a) get wrapped around it's own power cord constantly, (b) get wrapped around it's own suction tube thing (whatever that is called) occassionally, or (c) tips over and sometimes leaks dirty, nasty water onto my white carpet, ensuring I must get out the Resolve Carpet Cleaner next. . .

And, not even because the damn thing is 20 years old.

No, I can overlook these minor issues.

The thing I hate the most about this thing is when I get it out it takes me 4 STINKING HOURS to vacuum my house.

So what is the rational for vacuuming for four hours (and trust me folks, our house isn't big enough to justify this), you ask? Because it HAS all these options and attachments for cleaning everything damn thing in your house, including your screens, the top of your refrigerator, the sofa cushions, the air vents, windowsills, blinds, etc. And since you've dragged the whole cumbersome thing out, filled it up with water, and towed all the accessories around the house, you ACTUALLY FEEL GUILTY if you don't use them. Not that all those things in my house couldn't use a once over, but I guarantee if I had just a "normal" upright vacuum like I grew up with, it would take about an hour to vacuum.

But, then my house wouldn't have that "Rainbow Glow".

And FM would sob uncontrollably if I was to ever rid ourselves of it and replace it with a Dyson, as I keep threatening to do.

(Note: Although I am back in Israel, I just spent two weeks at home due to the unexpected death of my brother, Brian. And rather than talk about the pain and grief my family and I are going through, I thought I'd rant about my vacuum cleaner).

Crocs with Socks Rocks

2007-09-17T06:51:00.000-04:00

With the coming of fall here in Tel Aviv, and the cooler weather, we will all now wear our Crocs (the National Footwear of Israel) with socks.

Because, really, they weren't ugly enough without the socks. The holes will stand out so much better this way.

And remember, never put that heel strap actually around your heel. That's just wrong.

Cross Dressing is FUN!

2007-09-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

We've been to a few countries, and a few bars. I've seen people drinking in their bathing suits with no shoes, and without shirts.

But I've never seen a bar let customers in wearing wet underwear and women's clothing. Fresh from the sea.

The only problem? Someone's clothing was stolen, so he had no shirt. Bouncer wouldn't let him in. Was okay if he put on a cute, sexy, ladies tank top, though.

Problems solved. Let the drinking resume!

Lessons learned:

Never leave your clothing unattended at the beach at 3 AM
Never quit drinking if you're wearing women's clothing
Always wear undiepanties

GEE-RONE, And Possibly in Pretty Bad Taste. . . But Whatever

2007-09-09T03:57:00.000-04:00

Pavarotti is standing at the pearly gates.

St Peter opens them and says, 'Oh, it's you Luciano, come on in, squeeze through.'

Pavarotti says, 'Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope.'

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU."

You have a WHAT?

2007-09-02T03:31:00.000-04:00

Okay. I have known FM for over 12 years. In a veeeery intimate way. Oh, the things I could tell you. . .

heehee.

But, one thing I didn't know until yesterday at lunch, is FM has a gold tooth.

Granted, it's on the side, toward the back, and hardly visible.

But, I didn't KNOW!

How could I not know my HUSBAND had a GOLD TOOTH?!?!?

And, my initial reaction?

"I have to remember not to bury you with that!"

All In Good Clean Fun

2007-08-22T01:04:00.000-04:00

Our friend Jeff cracks me up. He is pretty quick witted, which is a trait I admire and envy.

Last night I was saying possibly half my problem here is the lack of everyday humor. In Greece and Hong Kong there was always something to laugh about.

Well, here I have Jeff.

ME (eyeballing a chick at the beach built like a brick shithouse): I bet you wouldn't throw her out of bed. . .

JEFF: Not unless she wanted to do it on the floor!

A different evening:

ME (talking about having sex with someone who may not want to have sex): It's not like you would rape her or anything. . .

JEFF: Nah, I'd just hold her down and do her. . .

He's killing me here.

A Joke for The Day

2007-08-21T07:31:00.000-04:00

Know why God made kittens, puppies and children soooo cute?

So we don't kill them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

This is Chris and Jen's new kitty. They tragically lost both their other cats, Blackie and Pearl, within a short couple of weeks. They will forever be missed, but I'm sure there's room in their hearts for this little DEVIL!

His name is Dusty. I want one. . .

Iraeli Girls are STACKED

2007-08-17T04:06:00.000-04:00

It's a strange but true phenomena. Israeli woman have large breasts.

I don't know what else to say. I've never felt so flat in my life.

If you're a boob man, this IS the place to be.

Shalom Ya'll!

2007-08-09T04:33:00.000-04:00

Oh, boy. Definitely not winning any points with my fan base by not posting for 10 days, eh?

Sorry. Don't mean to waste your time making you click on my link, then not giving you any thought provoking and conscious raising insight into our time in Israel.

Not that I'm famous for either of those things.

Let me tell you a story about plastic. I HATE it. I think we should ban production of anything made of plastic for the rest of eternity. Unless it's made out of existing plastic. And, people sign a statement before buying promising to dispose of it properly.

I can't tell you how many impressive sights around the world have been "ruined" for me by the presence of plastic bags and bottles strewn around it like a landfill.
Well, yes I can. The Pyramids of Giza, Machu Pichu, and Angkor Wat to start the list.

And now you can add the beaches of Tel Aviv.

We are swimming in plastic stew. It's disgusting. Potato chip bags, garbage bags, ziploc bags, plastic cups, even a plastic handcuff (!).

Not to mention all the plastic pieces and parts left on the beach every night.

PEOPLE - PICK UP YOUR PLASTIC.

And your cigarette butts, too, please. Big stretch of sand does not equal ashtray.

Sometimes I think humans don't deserve this earth. . .

A Holy Experience from Hell

2007-07-30T04:26:00.000-04:00

We spent Saturday on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and Bethlehem. Well, maybe it doesn't qualify as a pilgrimage, we didn't actually walk there but opted for an air conditioned bus, but nevertheless, we went.

In the religious world, you would be hard pressed to find a piece a land more sacred to different religious groups than Jerusalem. It's hard not to feel the weight and sanctity of the place.

Until someone is waving a "Shalom, Y'All" plaque under your nose and yelling, "Hey guys! Come see my shop! 50% off!" as you walk the 14 stations of Christ.

What the HELL? Makes it a bit harder to soak up the history and monumental importance. If Jesus Christ himself returned and saw this mayhem outside the church built over Golgotha hill, I'm sure it would be a repeat of his tantrum in Herod's Temple when he upset the money changers tables. We were all sickened by this absolute display of commercialism, in addition to angered by the attitudes of many of the shopkeepers.

But, we stood on hallowed ground, reveled in the history, and took an unexpected but cool sidetrip to Bethlehem and to the American Elvis Diner (!).

But I saved 5 Bucks!

2007-07-27T10:43:00.000-04:00

Laundry.

I'm sure laundry does not have a fan club. I hate it. It can prove to be quite difficult out here on the road.

As I mentioned before, we can't quite afford the prices most hotels get for the simple act of ensuring we don't stink. Sometimes our apartment will have a washer. Sometimes I need to find a local laundry. And, sometimes I need to load it all up in a bag and drag it to the laundromat.

Which is what I did this morning.

The boys have all been, so I pretty much knew the routine, I thought. 12 Shekels to wash, 1 Shekel for three minutes of dry time. Bought my detergent and was ready with a pocket full of change.

Except the machines only take the one Shekel coins. Oops. I had enough to get the wash started, but now I was in search of one Shekel coins.

ME (to guy sitting out front doing his laundry): Hey, do you know the best place to get some change?

HIM: Dude, you are sooooo screwed. I had to walk six blocks to get Shekels. From a guy with his face all pierced watching a hip-hop video.

ME: What? Really? Shit!

HIM: I may be able to set you up with some. . .

ME: Great. I think I only need 5 or so.

HIM: Maybe we can just dry our clothes together.

ME (Thinking this sounds a little strange): Maybe I'll just go find some Shekels.

Found Shekels, drying crisis averted, laundry done in 1.25 hours.

Total price for laundry: 20 Shekels.

What I paid last week to drop it off and pick it up the next day: 40 Shekels.

What I will be doing the next time laundry needs to be done: I wonder. . . NOT!

I Love to Eavesdrop

2007-07-26T07:59:00.000-04:00

But, this morning, I wish I hadn't.

Due to that annoying habit FM has of going to work everyday, I must do most things by myself. Including going to breakfast.

So, this morning I go downstairs for my toast and garlic cheese spread (YES! For breakfast! It rocks!), some fruits and the all important coffee. This young, attractive couple comes in and sits down at the table next to me just as I'm tucking in to my yummies and before I start on the paper. He apparently is some bigwig with the hotel or the tourism industry as he is chatting with the assistant manager about his staff, cleanliness, etc. He's also rather irritating in his manner, and he is starting to bug me.

The staff leave them alone and he starts berating his girlfriend for acting childish in front of his friends, brown-nosing his family, exagerrating her "American" accent (for whatever purpose that would be), telling her he doesn't want to have to spend time with her family here and basically making her feel bad. She's on the verge of tears and can not get a word in edgewise. Also there seems to be some issue about a bunch of money she spent on an airline ticket (her money) and she is asking him if it was money wasted or what. And, he's really not doing this quietly, so it ain't so hard to hear their personal bidness.

The manager dude comes back over and apparently they are going to present a check to one of the employees right there in the breakfast room. She wants to leave, he says stay. She stays. A group of employees gather around their table, and one of them asks him when the two of them are getting married. He says, "We're not." Girlfriend looks at him in horror and takes off from the table and up the stairs, crying. Did this asshole just break his engagement in front of OTHER PEOPLE? I think so.

I'm feeling terrible for this girl (partly because I think this dude is a jerk, but also because HOW HUMILIATING), and spend the next 45 minutes wishing I would have followed her, seen if she needed someone to talk to, or a cup of coffee, or some ice cream, or something. Thinking she might be alone (like me) and want to talk to someone kind of anonymously.

I'm still feeling bad for her as I leave the hotel for the mall. And, here the two of them come around the corner, holding hands and laughing together. WTF?

Humans. They are So. Very. Strange.

In other news, we are going to Jerusalem on Saturday! Yea us! Yes, I took the bribe from the hotel (see previous post). But, it wasn't really a bribe as all the crew members are also invited. I think just TJ and us are going, though.

Last night we went to a pub that we have been walking past all week. Turns out, it's owned by a bunch of Russians and usually has a mostly Russian clientele. We were the only ones in there from 8 PM until 11PM. and took full advantage of the FREE POOL (table).

(Around 9:30ish)

ME: Hey, where are all your comrades?

DREW (to FM): Dude! Your wife is going to get our asses beat! And, your's twice!

BARTENDER: It's too early for Russians to drink.

ME: Ah. We're so we're like FREE MONEY!

General laughter (somewhat nervous from Drew)

Excessive Bleeding

2007-07-25T01:50:00.000-04:00

Five Star Hotels

Typically, we don't stay in five star hotels. Currently, we are. And the reason is, the entire city of Tel Aviv is fully booked up through the end of August, and there are not any other viable alternatives. Five star hotels tend to make FM and I a little uncomfortable. We really don't fit in. We're more like 3 star peeps who sometimes upgrade themselves to 4. . .

We can't afford $25/person breakfast buffets, or $7/shirt for laundry. We don't know how much to tip the staff, and we don't wear designer clothes. I also don't know how to respond when a reservation manager looks me in the eye and tells me there is a $60/night (!!!WTF!!! In my mind, this is an adequate rate for a HOTEL ROOM) surcharge for double occupancy (HEY, I'll wash my own towel if that'll help!).

We get somewhat snide looks when we carry beer into the hotel. And our laundry (nicely packaged in garbage bags).

All this being said, when we are paying for a five star hotel, I expect things to be perfect. I don't expect to have to ask three times for coffee at breakfast. I don't expect to have a puddle of water in my room (unexplained). I don't expect to have to call for maintenance twice on the same problem before someone responds.

And, after calling maintenance twice about my air conditioning problems (which were PROBABLY MOST DEFINITELY IN CAHOOTS WITH THE PUDDLE OF WATER) I really, REALLY don't expect the air conditioning to fail at 11 PM.

But, what do I know. . . I don't typically stay at 5 star hotels. . . .

Cost of Living

$13 for Listerine (looking into using Bombay, I think it's cheaper, if not ADA approved, and probably more fun)
$25 for non-PABA free sunblock
$5 for a pack of Marlboro Lights
$25 for lunch (average lunch for two, no BEER!)
$5 a beer
$5/piece for a beach chair
$2/quart for cow milk
$25 for I don't know how much ground coffee, it's in a tin, doesn't look or feel like much, though.

Makes that per diem money disappear fairly quickly, kids.

Bribes

In the last half hour (since the air conditioning guys were here fixing my air), the hotel has offered us a free trip to Jerusalem, the maid brought me 10 long stem roses, and I got my coffee on the first try at breakfast. Coincidence?

I think not.

Open Mouth, Remove Foot

2007-07-19T08:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, Okay.
I DO kinda feel like I'm on vacation.
I'm sure it's temporary, and will burn off, but eating dinner on the beach WITHOUT taking a two hour ferry ride and/or a 45 minute bus/subway ride, AND watching a slivered moon set over the Med, AND drinking ice cold Maccabee beers does put one in a vacation mood.
Yes, that's the view from our balcony, and yes, it would be better if we were on the OTHER SIDE OF THE TOWER, but hey. I'll take it. And, we have AIR CONDITIONING! YEA US!

Plus, we're spending money like we were on vacation. . .

Conceptions, Misconceptions, Preconceptions, and Contra-ceptions

2007-07-17T02:08:00.000-04:00

Hello Dahlings. This morning after having my cuppa with Prime Minister Karamanlis, I stopped off and had a manicure/pedicure and emergency liposuction whilst en route to my lunch date with the Minister of Foreign Affairs, where afterwards I will be picked up by my stretch limo and transported back to my posh hotel (the deluxe suite at The Grand Bretagne in Syntagma Square) for a much needed massage and a siesta before hitting Gucci and Armani for designer duds with my diplomatic wife friends in preparation for my dinner date and nightclub hopping with Kristi Stassinopoulou and her crew. This is how I ROLL. . .

Right.

Dearies, let me tell you. The idea we are living some jet-setter exotic life out here is FALSE. There are days (many) I would bet my life my entire stock portfolio (as meager as it is) that my life is much, much more mundane than yours. MUCHO! (or MUY! Kenya?)

Even people who are out here with us seem to have the same false perceptions.

Last night at dinner we were talking about flying. Now, I'm really not a big fan of flying, which doesn't bode well for our lifestyle. In fact, the actual flying doesn't bother me so much (not a huge fan of turbulence, but whatever). It's all the pain in the ass stuff that leads up to flying. Packing, getting to the airport 2-3 hours ahead of actual flight time, immigration, customs, security, body cavity searches. . .

But the funny part was when FM's colleague asked me about business class.

Business Class?

The last business class I saw was in college. And that was a mighty long time ago.

Almost as long ago as the last time I saw Vuarnet sunglasses (are these still "must haves"?), Coach purses, or any designer's name on my clothing (which was right after college when I thought I had a lot of money).

Seems she thought it natural I would be flying Business. Fantastic Man flies business (on the company's dime), so why not me?

And, the answer? So obvious. It's MY dime. And there is no way in HELL I'm paying the airlines that kind of money to sit up front in the big chairs. As uncomfortable and annoying as coach is, coach is my way of life.

Unless FM decides to start sending me cargo. . .

Out here, there is no hobnobbing (what a great word, it sounds X rated, but is socially acceptable) with heads of states, the rich and famous, Ambassadors, or even government diplomats for the most part. Sometimes our best friend is the hotel DOORMAN!

And as for me, NO, I am not on "permanent vacation" as so many people like to say. Although my life is not actually too demanding, it ain't vacation, folks. Trust me, I know the difference. I'm basically a housewife, just my "house" keeps changing, as well as my neighborhood, longitude, latitude and attitude.

Just to clear up a few conceptions.

We Interupt this Blog for a Public Service Announcement

2007-07-16T10:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Athenians:

I hate to interrupt your completely self-centered lives, but I feel the need to inform you of a couple of facts:

1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON THIS PLANET. Other people exist. And if would be nice if you treated said other people with a little bit of courtesy.

2. RULES ARE MADE FOR YOU, TOO. You can't expect other people to follow the rules, then not follow them yourselves.

3. LINES ARE MADE TO STAND IN. Not cut in, ignore, or push through. It's a line, FOOL!

4. ALL THINGS SPOKEN (EITHER IN PERSON OR ON YOUR MOBILE) DO NOT NEED TO BE SCREAMED. An indoor voice will usually suffice.

5. PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS NOT THE PLACE TO BELCH, SCREAM AT YOUR HUSBAND, SING, OR ANY OTHER ANNOYING HABIT OF YOURS. Or rub your self all over me.

6. YES, WE GET IT. YOU ARE THE WORST DRIVERS IN THE EU. Now stop it, please.

HONORABLE MENTION: Driving you scooters on the sidewalk, and then acting like you have the RIGHT OF WAY.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

ARGHHH. I can always tell when I've had it with someplace and my second wind hasn't kicked in yet. I was going to tell you about our lovely weekend away in Andros Island, but the people of Greece just got to me today.

NOTE: The INDIVIDUAL people of Athens we've met have been almost nothing but kind. It's the masses as a whole that are driving me BONKERS!

Airline's Cancellation Policies are Worse than Tax Code

2007-07-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

I do our taxes, so I know how not straight-forward the IRS is, and how easy it is to get lost in tables, graphs and tiny-printed tax code.

But, I think the airlines have it going over the IRS.

I love it when you call them to change your tickets, and even the representative you are talking to can't quite figure out what needs to happen and what it will cost. How am I, the consumer, suppose to understand?

Less forgivable is when they don't even know their own baggage restrictions. When their website, their representative and their ticket are all telling you different things. And no one knows what's right.

Frustrating.

And, really, if I worked at the help desk at Delta, how much $ would I actually make? I'm sure these are not rocket scientists here (no offense, Delta reservations peeps, I ain't a rocket scientist and you ALL make more money than me!).

So, maybe I wouldn't take the time to learn, either.

It's all handled now, although I'm seeing a CHARGE from Delta, but no REFUND for the ticket I cancelled. Funny how they can process the money I spend so much faster then the money due to me.

In other news, I am SOOOOOOOO completely hungover this morning. Ughhh.

A Funky Kind of Urine

2007-07-12T10:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know what the deal-io with FM and I's pee is lately, but it STINKS! In a really, really horrific way. Think asparagus pee (if you are one of the people who get funky pee from eating asparagus), then multiply by 438 to the 26th degree. If it was just me, I would be anally searching the archives of WebMD for an explanation. But I doubt we are BOTH dying of the same, unexplained "our-pee-pee-smells-really-bad" disease. Right? RIGHT????

Man, it stinks though. I've have seriously had BM's which smelled better. Is it the food? The beer? The air? The combination of our urine mixing with water that seems to have a high mineral content? Whew.

Will be interesting to see if this changes once we leave. I hope so . . . I certainly, certainly do.

I would be embarrassed as hell to have to give a urine sample. I can see me putting the little container in the cupboard and then, five minutes later whilst I'm back in the examination room, hearing someone someplace in the doc's office going, "DAAAAAAMN!".

Things Overheard by Others

2007-07-11T01:00:00.000-04:00

Since I left home last November for the Hong Kong/Athens odyssey there's a little more of me to love. . .

Yes, 9 months away from home drinking beer that's 5% instead of 3.5% and eating out almost everyday equals a few more inches and a few more pounds. I know it, my clothes know it, and even FM knows it, although he's loathe to admit it.

Part of the problem here in Greece (like in America) is the huge portions of food they feed you every where you go. And although FM and I split a lot of entrees and salads and such, I have a habit of ordering too much food. Not because I'm in insatiable pig (well, maybe a little), but I want to try everything while still revisiting my favorite things. . . which leads to over-ordering. And, over-eating.

The last time this happened, about a month ago, we were so embarrassed by the amount of food we had left over. I told FM the next time I wanted to order "one extra thing", he was to say to me, "Shut up, you fat bitch".

Now, normally I would never let him talk like this to me. But being I insisted, he's used this line a few times when I whined for something else at dinner. And, because he is generally a fairly soft-spoken person, says it with a smile on his face, and I forget a lot of people speak English here, I haven't really noticed anybody else's response.

Until last night. When I wanted to order a salad PLUS our entree (basically, I just wanted the salad). And FM lovingly looked me in the eye and said, "Shut up, you fat bitch,". And the guy at the next table almost fell out of his chair. . .

Always glad to entertain the locals.

From Souvlaki to Shawarma

2007-07-10T07:33:00.000-04:00

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

FM and I WERE scheduled for a brief Greek Island cruise, then a trip home (11 months since home for him, 9 for me).

And, last night, I had the audacity to say to him, "I think you like going home a lot more than me."

And, also last night, I said to him, "Maybe we'll get a last minute call and be sent to somewhere wonderful."

And last week when Tel Aviv showed up on his workplace website as an upcoming jobsite, I said, "Tel Aviv would be cool."

So, I think you can see where this is going. . . and also where we are off to next.

TEL AVIV.

No home, no lawn check-up, no doctor's check-up, no dentist, no golf, no passing go, no collecting $200.

We leave next Wednesday. For four months.

Mazel tov!

This Disturbs Me

2007-07-09T03:24:00.000-04:00

I have no problem with topless sunbathing. I choose not to for a couple reasons. 1. I'm not accustomed to taking my top of in front of strangers, 2. I think I look better with my top on and the girls up where they are suppose to be, and 3. They would BURN like fat globules in a frying pan.

In most parts of the world, this is an accepted practice. And we see breasts everywhere we go. For the most part, it's not that common here in Greece. But we've seen some bare boobies.

What disturbs me is this. Last weekend, there was a family of three (Mom, Dad, son who was about 12) at the pool. Mom thought nothing of whipping off the top (albeit, she was the only one at the pool topless). Okay, fine. Then she pulled her bathing suit bottoms right up into the crotch of her butt, like a thong. Again, whatever. She looked pretty good.

Where my issues lie is in the behaviour of her son. As mom is lying there on her stomach, topless, with her buns in the sun, the boy comes up and starts paddling his mom's bare ass. Plus, he seemed fascinated at looking at her chest. And, she thought nothing of lying on the lounge chair, mostly naked, with her 12 year old son curled up next to her (think spooning here) with a towel over them. Very Creepy Greeky Oedipus-y, if you ask me.

Am I a prude, or is this weird?

Wasted Away Again in Sunny Mati and Protesting (some) of the New 7 Wonders

2007-07-08T01:04:00.000-04:00

MATI

It's so hot here in Athens. . . How hot is it? It's so hot even the Stoics are complaining! (Groan)

So, we ditched again for the weekend. Back to Mati for sun, surf, and suds (no sand, sigh).

Ah, Aegean Sea, you are my friend. But, as a spoiled, Paris Hilton like brat, I think beach should be synonymous with sand. And I have yet to see any sand at Attica beaches. Oh, there's sand out there, you just need to get over about 20 yards of rocky outcroppings to get to it. In my mind, the word beach is synonymous with great swathes of sand leading up to crystal clear blue water. Not rock or gravel.

But, the water was beautifully clear, warm, and as snuggly as a mother's womb.

Next weekend, Andros Island. Known for it's SANDY BEACHES. We'll see.

FYI - Never set your watch to the Athenian bus schedule. We waited an hour for a bus that never came. Then walked a mile uphill in direct sun to another bus stop, where we waited another hour for our 40 minute trip back to Athens. ARGHHH!

But, when Greece gets you down, remember, at least the food is good!

NEW SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD (in alphabetical order):

Chichen Itza, Mexico
Christ the Redeemer statue, Brazil
Coliseum, Rome
Great Wall of China, China
Machu Pichu, Peru
Petra, Jordan
Taj Mahal, India

Having seen four of the seven (and FM five), we both concur that the first three could very easily be swapped out for Angkor Wat, Cambodia. Although it received honorable mention (as did the Statue of Liberty (?)), I feel it definitely deserved a spot. I mean, really. A seventy five year old statue of Christ versus the entire ruins of the greatest civilization in southeast Asia? Pfft.

And, I think the Acropolis is a bit more impressive than the Coliseum. But what does my untraveled self know, eh?

For those who have not been following this year long contest where you could vote online for your faves and are wondering where in the hell the pyramids are on the list, Egypt pulled the Pyramids of Giza out of the running (which we've also seen), saying they were the ONLY remaining wonder of the ancient world and therefore, should not be included in the new list. Fair 'nuff. More info at http://www.new7wonders.com/

Here's my 7 Wonders (in no apparent order):*

Giza Pyramids (even if they are ancient, they still ROCK!)
Angkor Wat
Machu Pichu
Petra
Great Wall of China
Acropolis
Pompeii

*Reserve the right to change anytime on a whim

Still needing to see that big ole wall in China, though. DANG IT!

Unwinding in Nea Makri

2007-07-05T01:22:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, Fantastic Man just gets tired out. He likes to reeeeeeeeeesssssssssst. Which, for FM, means five naps in one day and general slothfulness, usually on the couch.

So, instead of letting his basic animal behavior set in on his day off during the week (4th of July), I decided we were going up the coast to relax. . . on the beach. . . with a pool. Merely sitting around the apartment in Athens is something I have become very good at, and DAMN IT, I need a change of scenery!

DESTINATION: NEA MAKRI:

On the way to the bustop at the bottom of our street:

Me: Aren't you glad we're going away overnight? Won't this be fun? Huh? HUH? HUH?

FM: I could be laying on the couch right now.

Idiot.

On the bus, where the driver refused to open the luggage compartment, thus making Mike drag our oversized backpack onto the bus with him.

Me: Do you want me to put the bag back here, honey?

FM: Oh no, I'm FINE.

Right.

The website of the hotel provided a map, and it looked like we were going to be right near where our friends live. However, during the bus ride, our friends called us and said, "Your hotel is actually in Mati, not where the map shows, but we don't know exactly where you need to get off, so come here and we'll drive you to the hotel". Cool. Thanks!

In the car on the way to hotel:

Me: Thanks you guys for doing this, I don't know what we would have done without you!

FM: Aren't we going the wrong way?

Yes, FM, we actually rode by the hotel on the way, but we didn't KNOW, so now we have to go BACK! A whole ten minutes!

Get checked in, have a very nice room with a gorgeous view, but none of the lights or the AIR CONDITIONER (ohmynewGodairconditioningIloveyouandcannotbeartothinktolivewithoutyou) do not work. Have to change rooms:

Me: Hopefully, we will get as nice of a room!

FM: What kind of 4 star hotel is this!?!?

Move to new room. Same view, just on the second floor. Have 45 minutes before our friends are coming back to pick us up for dinner. FM and I go to bar, order large Mythos beer, sit on patio overlooking Aegean:

Me: Ah, this is the life. . .

FM: This beats the PANTS off Athens!

Finally. Happy Fantastic Man.

Still hasn't thanked me for making him go to the Acropolis on Sunday, though.

OTHER MENTIONABLE QUOTES FROM FANTASITC MAN'S DAY OFF:

Sitting by the pool was a beautifully put together gal, probably around 35, awesome bod, string bikini, hair to her butt (albeit bleached an unbelievable shade of blond):

Me: Did you see that hottie by the pool with the blond hair?

FM: That FLOOZY?

Floozy? What a word.

Getting packed up in the hotel room to catch the bus:

Me: All set?

FM: Let's make like a baby and head out.

Me: (Double-take at FM)

American Diversity in Athens

2007-07-03T01:00:00.000-04:00

Last night we ventured down to an area just below the Acropolis for a pre-dinner drink and some food. After stopping at Bretos for a beer, we walked up to a restaurant with a nice outdoor garden directly underneath the most eastern corner of the Acropolis.

It was not a great epicurean experience, but the night air was wonderful, we had a family or two of cats and kittens to entertain us, and besides one other table, basically private dining for most of the evening.

The other table was a table of five. We discovered they were American by the simple act of eavesdropping on their conversation. Now, five Americans in a taverna in Athens does not a blog-entry make, but after observing them and thinking about it, I thought, "Well, maybe it does!".

You see, they were a veritibal sundry of Americans. Three guys and two girls. One guy definitely of Middle Eastern descent, probably Iranian, another guy Chinese descent. One girl of unknown origin, but guessing would say Latino and Asian or Inuit mix, looked somewhat Polynesian, but different. One gay guy (whitebread) and one girl that if you close your eyes and think of Iowa, this is what you would see. All middle-aged. All Americans.

Which led me to think, if they were five people from Japan (or China, or Korea, etc), Russia, Germany, India or almost anywhere, you would know. They would be pretty much uniform.

Which makes me celebrate our country, America, where so many different races, religions, sexual preferences, and cultures can co-exist if not in perfect harmony, at least without blowing each other up or civil war. And, in the whole scheme of things, based on how youthful our country is, we're doing it quickly compared to a lot of the world.

Plus, they kept calling the Acropolis (which we were RIGHT underneath) the Apocalypse, which is damn funny. Not only diverse, but humorous.

So Happy Birthday America, a day early, but heartfelt.

This Just In

2007-06-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

As reported in the International Herald Tribune Today:

(Reprint not by Permission!)

International Traveler Update

Athens

Temperatures in Greece rose to record-breaking levels in a heat wave that has already killed five people, let to dozens of forest fires, power cuts and disruptions at archaeological sites like the Acropolis.

A meteorologist, Manolis Anadranistakis, said Wednesday that the temperature of 44.8 degrees Celsius (112.6 Fahrenheit) in central sthe day before had been the hottest since temperatures were first tracked there in 1897. The heat hit 36.2 degrees Celsius (115.2 Fahrenheit) in the Athens suburb of Philadelphia, where records began 52 years ago.

Employees at state-run museums and archaeological sites threatened to walk off their jobs. "Marble reflects the heat - temperatures reached 55 degrees Celsius under the sun at the Acropolis," a labor leader, Costas Oikonomou said Wednesday.

Temperatures were expected to drop below 40 degrees (104 Fahrenheit) starting Thursday.

Yes, folks, we are the harbingers of bad/hot/wet weather, where ever we go. . .

A Day at the Beach

2007-06-24T08:42:00.000-04:00

Forgive me any typos, it is so difficult to see the computer screen through the sweat pouring off my brow. . . And the fact it requires me to leave the bedroom, the only AIR CONDITIONED room in the house, to do so. . .

In response to the unbearable heatness of being, we decided to escape to the coast for the weekend. I thought it would be wise to leave Friday night, but Fantastic Man cabashed that and we left on Saturday morning. Our destination? The Eden Beach Resort on Sounion Road on the way to the Temple of Poseidon (those who were here and made the trip, it's on that road).

Snagged the LAST TWO seats on the bus at 9:40 Saturday morning and had a nice AIR CONDITIONED ride to the hotel. Arrived at 11, checked in, cranked the AIR CONDITIONING in our room, put on our suits and hit the pool.

Oh wait. Not true. First we had to plunk down 38 Euro (yes, that is almost $50US) for two beach towels, because apparently in Greece a Beach Resort does not provide you with towels by the pool, but they do provide you with a boutique where said objects can be purchased for outrageous amounts of money.

But, in a fashion totally unlike me, I willingly payed and hardly bitched at all. Nor did I even worry/care/obsess (hardly at all!) about putting on my bathing suit for the first time in over a year, at my most fattest in over a year. . . I just rolled with it, kinda like a roly-poly! No pictures, though. Hardly took any pictures at all.

Got spots in the shade. Swam in the water (which was a salt water pool, how odd). Heaven.

At 2 PM we moved to the beach, had lunch at the cafe there, watched the people, realized you probably had to arrive around 6:30 AM to get a chair with an umbrella, and went back to the poolside.

Swam. Slept. Burned.

Cleaned up for dinner (included in our room rate! Nice surprise), but first decided to go and watch the sunset at the beach bar. Had a couple frosty beers, watched the sun disappear into the haze, enjoyed a nice breeze off the sea. Watched the Greeks continue hanging in their chairs under the umbrellas til well past 8 PM. Realized we were not fully accustomed to "beach lifestyle".

Went to dinner at about 9:15 and seriously ate the worst meal ever in Greece. Dog food buffet. But, we were a little buzzed up and it filled the pit. No nightlife to speak of, went back to the AIR CONDITIONED room. Slept for TWELVE HOURS! Missed breakfast.

Did manage to find some coffee, get acclimated to being vertical, check out by noon. Spent the afternoon enjoying the pool, some Stella Artois', a nice Ceasar Salad, and the shade. Jumped the 4 PM bus back to Athens, back in the hot 'hood around 6. Stopped and had a couple beers on the way home.

Sign said it was 42' C (107' F) at 7 PM. Egads.

Unpacked, took cold showers and went to Pizza Hut and sat in the AIR CONDITIONING until 10 PM.

Confessions of a tired traveler. . . Last week we actually ate at TGI Friday's one night for dinner. Not that we were to lazy to walk further (which we were, and the Friday's is right on our corner), but we thought that possibly being an American chain restaurant, it might be MORE AIR CONDITIONED than a "Greek" restaurant. It wasn't, but it was more overpriced than a "Greek" restaurant. So, chalk up one TGI Friday's visit and one Pizza Hut visit and one Hard Rock Cafe Happy Hour for our 4 months in Athens. Not bad.

It is SOOOOO hot. But, it does look like it will cool down this week, only be in the 90's, and they are calling for 68 in the evening on Monday, July 2. PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE!

Anyway, you know what we will be doing every weekend starting at 7 PM on Friday until the time we leave here. Us and the entire population of Athens will be beach bound. And next Tuesday night, too.

A Sundae Sunday, Drugs, and a Discourse on TP

2007-06-12T06:32:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know Fantastic Man know that he doesn't eat sweets very often. In fact, he sometimes almost tips his nose down in disdain at those of us who absolutely need chocolate in order to survive. So, it was quite surprising on Sunday when we went over to Thissio to have a late lunch and enjoy the sunshine, and FM ordered a chocolate mocha sundae for lunch and a large vanilla shake to wash it down with. WTH? I, of course, gained 3 pounds just watching him eat it. I'm sure he considered it a "light lunch", as it really is a liquid, right? Dang. I hate him and his metabolism.

Finally got off my duff and made dinner last night, including a salad despite my "brush with death" the last time I made one. Dined al fresco on the patio, was lovely. Okay, enough cooking for a week. . . heehee.

So surprised at the disparity of drug prices here. Most things aren't cheap, but those drugs that border perscription/non-perscription are inexpensive. For example, my high blood pressure pills are $10/month at home. Here, they are 4 Euro. At home my inhaler costs $25 stinking dollars. Here, 4 Euro. Why do we pay so much at home for drugs that are generic, have paid for their patent by a million times, and we usually need to go to the doctor to get a perscription for? So troubling. . . Can't buy any valium or anything "fun" though. . . Sigh.

Okay, there's this guy here named Fred (name changed to protect identity) who FM works with. His family recently has come to visit. This conversation took place at work, so I have to rely on FM's memory, which can be a little sketchy, but anyways. . .

FM: So, how's the family visit going?
Fred: Man, I can't believe how much toilet paper they use.
FM: What do you mean?
Fred: Well, when I got here (NOTE: that would be in FEBRUARY) I went down and bought two rolls of toilet paper and carried them to the house. And last week, I had to go buy two more!
FM: Two ROLLS? Or two packages?
Fred: Two rolls.
FM: For four months? Two rolls?
Fred: Yea, and now I'm probably going to have to get two more. I don't know what they are doing with it!

I think I have an idea what they are doing with it. My question is, what is Fred doing WITHOUT it?

Two rolls, four months. Not an equation I'm familiar with. Then again, maybe I'm just a "waste-full" person.

How I Concussed Myself, Or Was Abducted by Aliens. . .

2007-06-05T06:39:00.001-04:00

A boring weekend with Fantastic Man working WAY too much. Put in 16 hours on Friday, 11 on Saturday and 8 on Sunday. I was going through major FM withdrawal. Should be the same as during the week, but I didn't get my FM-facetime. Missed him. . .

Sunday night was relatively calm, went out and had a bite to eat, came back and watched a movie (?what movie. . . hmmmm. . . oh yea, Hollywoodland, about George Reeves, the orginal Superman's murder/suicide. How strange his last name was Reeves, never made that connection with MY superman, Christopher). A normal Sunday evening.

Except I woke up Monday groggy, dizzy, light headed and with a headache (and no, this is not normal, despite my lifestyle). I wandered around feeling odd for a while, then went back to bed. . . until 11 AM! Got back up, was on the computer, and rested my left side of my head in my hand, and OUCH! Sent shooting pains all through my head and body. Upon further investigation, found my head to be all swollen, right above my ear. Took some aspirin and laid around for a little while longer.

What the HECK? Did I bang my head on something in the night? Did FM kick me in the head (I probably deserve it sometimes)? Did aliens come down from space and put a brain probe in, providing themselves with liquor soaked brain matter to dissect? It is a mystery.

I still have an egg sized lump just behind and above my ear.

How I Almost Died Last Night

2007-05-30T06:45:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know me, know this. I am honestly, entirely, and completely afraid of worms. All worms. Anything that looks like a worm (except, oddly, a snake). I cannot tolerate these creatures are allowed to live on the same planet as me. I will NOT come into physical contact with them for all the darn tea in China. They scare me, and quite often will get up on their hind legs, hiss, show their fangs and threaten to kill me.

In other words, I HATE WORMS.

So, last night, I'm innocently preparing another fine dinner for Fantastic Man and I, including a lovely fresh salad prepared from exquisite and inexpensive Romaine lettuce. The potatoes were nicely browning in the skillet, the red cabbage getting warm, the salmon broiling beautifully in the broiler. I had shredded the lettuce, peeled and chopped the onion, cut up the red pepper, crumbled the feta and went to do a little clean up in the sink (of course we don't have a garbage disposal, this ain't America folks!).

And, there, right in my sink, was a light gray, dual antennaed SLUG! Oh God, I'm glad I took my blood pressure pill this morning. I think FM is napping on the couch, waiting for his call to dinner, and I make appropriate "I'm going to die" sounds, but quietly, so as not to wake him. I think, "It's okay, you can do this, you don't need a man,". I had just killed a big ole spider stalking my stovetop earlier that day. No biggie.

But, I'm freaking out. FINALLY, FM comes into the kitchen to see what all the low level whimpering is about, and I scream, "THERE'S A WORM IN THE SINK!!!!!". And do the uggah buggah dance and run for the safety of the living room.

Knowing fully this irrational fear of mine, he bravely goes directly to the sink to remove the offensive object. But, he's in there going, "What should I do with him?", and I'm wondering how he knows it's a male (okay, I'm NOT, I'm wondering what the H3LL he's asking me for, just get RID of it!). So, I suggest throwing it out the window above the sink (No, there are no screens on our windows, this ain't America!). And he does. And I live.

And, I toss the entire salad into the trash.

It's nice to be married to a hero.

Although I am afraid he didn't launch the little guy out the window far enough, and he may be slowly edging his way back up the wall, leaving a trail of slime and gore, to our unscreened window, waiting to take his revenge on me while I sleep. . . .
The whole experience lends credence to a thought I've had recently (READ: most of my life), that I should just STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN (unless it's to get another beer. . .).